Wednesday, September 28, 2011
i need some help
So like how do people make friends??? For the life of me I can't remember how people who I simply talked to became my nearest and dearest. It just happened, like I don't remember us having much in common or anything. I've been living in my own head for so long that I don't even know how to make small talk anymore and you gotta have small talk in order to get to real convos. I have a twitter and I talk to tlist every once in a while but it's always tlist that start the convo and I never know how to keep it going. And should I even be trying to use twitter to make "real" friends? But if I can't make friends on the Internet where the hell am I going to find them? I don't really like any of the people I work with socially. I don't go out much so if I can't find someone cool on the web I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't need like a whole pack of people just one really cool bestie. *sighs* Why is it so hard to meet people? :/
Monday, September 5, 2011
life
So a year and 3 months ago I started this blog because of the aforementioned reasons but I got busy with work and all my aspirations and this blog fell by the wayside. Now like many people my hours have been cut and I'm searching for other employment. So I have way more free time on my hands. I never realized how much work can make you forget about your lack of a social life. So here I am with another semi depressing/enlightening blog.
For years I wanted to die. I truly did, not in a "I'm depressed, I just can't take it anymore/ my life is horrible" way but a "there's really no point for me to be here" way. I honestly felt like a waste of space and since the fear of Hell was embedded in me from a small age, I couldn't fathom suicide. Don't get me wrong I daydreamed my death many times, I still do even to this day but there's no way I could take my own life. Anyway since I feared Hell so much I did what I was taught to do when life got hard and I needed help...I prayed. For years I prayed for God to kill me in my sleep, and I really thought that if I prayed hard enough He would. Now I know that sounds stupid but I was young and I didn't have anyone to talk to about my feelings. My mom is the least understanding person I know, my siblings; while good people are a little self centered and my friends just didn't understand. So the thing is I spent so much time thinking I was going to die that I didn't really plan for the rest of my life because I didn't think I would be here. I never really had dreams or goals. So as I continued to get older I realized that I was going to have to make something of myself but I had no idea what and I still don't. The problem is I'm 25 now and I have no directions and no real interests in anything but more importantly I have the need to live. To explore and to try new things, things that I will need an education and money for. And everyone in my family is looking at me like "what the fuck are you going to do with yourself?" and I have no answer at all. I have never been so lost in my life...I just feel like I'm falling down a huge hole and there's no end in sight. (sigh) But now even with my life in chaos I'm still happy when I wake up, still thankful for the day God has given me. I mean some kids don't even get one year on earth and I got 25. And if I die tomorrow I'll still be thankful because even though I wasted a good part of it, I still had/have a pretty good life.
For years I wanted to die. I truly did, not in a "I'm depressed, I just can't take it anymore/ my life is horrible" way but a "there's really no point for me to be here" way. I honestly felt like a waste of space and since the fear of Hell was embedded in me from a small age, I couldn't fathom suicide. Don't get me wrong I daydreamed my death many times, I still do even to this day but there's no way I could take my own life. Anyway since I feared Hell so much I did what I was taught to do when life got hard and I needed help...I prayed. For years I prayed for God to kill me in my sleep, and I really thought that if I prayed hard enough He would. Now I know that sounds stupid but I was young and I didn't have anyone to talk to about my feelings. My mom is the least understanding person I know, my siblings; while good people are a little self centered and my friends just didn't understand. So the thing is I spent so much time thinking I was going to die that I didn't really plan for the rest of my life because I didn't think I would be here. I never really had dreams or goals. So as I continued to get older I realized that I was going to have to make something of myself but I had no idea what and I still don't. The problem is I'm 25 now and I have no directions and no real interests in anything but more importantly I have the need to live. To explore and to try new things, things that I will need an education and money for. And everyone in my family is looking at me like "what the fuck are you going to do with yourself?" and I have no answer at all. I have never been so lost in my life...I just feel like I'm falling down a huge hole and there's no end in sight. (sigh) But now even with my life in chaos I'm still happy when I wake up, still thankful for the day God has given me. I mean some kids don't even get one year on earth and I got 25. And if I die tomorrow I'll still be thankful because even though I wasted a good part of it, I still had/have a pretty good life.
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